Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The first Time I Knew, Candy
The first time I knew started with confusion and quickly turned into flat out self-denial and an attempt for over two years to bury my feelings. During a two year period I became increasingly more attracted to a female co-worker. Whenever she came into my work area I would get nervous butterflies, sweaty palms, vaginal contractions, and a quiet internal panic would take me over, often just from hearing the sound of her voice. This was so strange for me because although I appreciate beauty in all people, I had never been attracted to a female-and these feelings I knew as normal “love at first sight” experiences similar to what I’d felt for men I had fallen in love with in the past. As time went on and my attraction grew stronger and I felt as if there was an internal magnet drawing me towards her. I noticed how nervous and excited I got at the prospect of speaking with her about work related issues and that I would look forward to any reason to give her a call. I was also privately embarrassed about my erotic thoughts and fantasies of her as if she could read my mind or somehow feel that we had made love many times before in my mind. I consulted with a close friend, a heterosexual male, who has known me since college, telling him everything and seeking his advice. After his riotous roars of laughter at “the most conservative heterosexual homophobic female he knows” my friend encouraged me to be honest with my co-worker and with myself, for peace of mind and if nothing else to move beyond the experience, he suggested I could be going through a phase or just wanting to try something different, i.e. sex with a female. I told him it was much more than a sexual attraction and decided to follow his advice.