Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"First Time I Knew" Victor

The first time I knew was my first day of kindergarten, fall 1980. It was my first time ever being around other children who weren't family. The first time I noticed the difference between the touch of boys versus girls. I felt safe playing with the girls, so soft, nurturing, non-threatening, but it was the touch of other boys that sent jolts through my body, jolts I wanted to feel constantly. At that time, affection between boys wasn't a huge issue. It was cute to see boys hug, slap fives and otherwise show non-sexual affection. 

However, I knew then that the touch and smell of a boy made parts of me do things that needed no explanation.Things that announced themselves as pleasure.  I remember getting up every morning throughout the school year, anxious about seeing one of my kindergarten crushes. Mark, Isaac, Kevin, all of them, delivered daily, my does of masculine attention. Of course, they didn't know that I felt something for them, more than friendship. Neither did I. It wasn't until middle school that I found out what it was I was feeling, and how it was deemed inappropriate by others. The joy of that went down hill after grade school. I went from being able to freely express affection to having to conceal my adoration for the same sex in middle school, to fearing for my safety in High school. Though times have changed since those days, that awakening in kindergarten remains a major factor in my identity and who I came to be.