Thursday, July 7, 2011
The First Time I knew...
The first time I knew, I didn't. At age 12, although I knew the sexual fun I was having with my girl cousins was totally inappropriate, it didn't take away from the great feeling that aroused on the inside of me everytime we did it. To paint a vivid picture, there was alot of pants humping (without the pants..lol) going on. Although we were suppose to be asleep, we'd climb into each others bed and have at it. We knew what we were doing was wrong but we did it anyway. Exploring what felt good to us. At that age, I didn't make the connection between the first time I knew until I got much older. Noticing the beautiful structure of the female body seemed to turn me on and wondering how it would be to have a "Grown Up" experience with a woman, unlike my 12 year old (in)experience and how the idea was thought provoking. I would wonder where the thoughts came from...thinking long and hard I ended up going back to when I was 12 and how longing to see my cousins breast and touch them as well as to be touched, brought about the answer. I truly didn't know back then...so for me the title is a bit different. It's more like, the first time I made the correlation...
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The first time I knew started with confusion and quickly turned into flat out self-denial and an attempt for over two years to bury my feelings. During a two year period I became increasingly more attracted to a female co-worker. Whenever she came into my work area I would get nervous butterflies, sweaty palms, vaginal contractions, and a quiet internal panic would take me over, often just from hearing the sound of her voice. This was so strange for me because although I appreciate beauty in all people, I had never been attracted to a female-and these feelings I knew as normal “love at first sight” experiences similar to what I’d felt for men I had fallen in love with in the past. As time went on and my attraction grew stronger and I felt as if there was an internal magnet drawing me towards her. I noticed how nervous and excited I got at the prospect of speaking with her about work related issues and that I would look forward to any reason to give her a call. I was also privately embarrassed about my erotic thoughts and fantasies of her as if she could read my mind or somehow feel that we had made love many times before in my mind. I consulted with a close friend, a heterosexual male, who has known me since college, telling him everything and seeking his advice. After his riotous roars of laughter at “the most conservative heterosexual homophobic female he knows” my friend encouraged me to be honest with my co-worker and with myself, for peace of mind and if nothing else to move beyond the experience, he suggested I could be going through a phase or just wanting to try something different, i.e. sex with a female. I told him it was much more than a sexual attraction and decided to follow his advice.